4/23/2018 0 Comments Comparison is the thief of joy...The current weather may not be a great endorsement for it, but Summer is approaching. And it's that time of year where girls (and boys too) are desperate to get their "Summer body" in gear. I've been there - after a heavy and hungry Christmas, your New Years Resolution was to lose weight and get fit, and after 5 months of "trialing", you feel like you've made little achievement (but Summer officially begins next month, and now you feel there's a rush). This is a slippery slope in some cases, and can lead to unhealthy habits - becoming fitter and achieving your goals isn't a sprint for you to just collapse at the end, but it should be treated like a marathon (a journey that is long term and gradually improved, allowing your body to adapt at the speed it needs to and leaving you with the most accomplishing outcome).
.From briefly addressing it in former posts , I have received messages from a number of girls who have said they often have similar feelings and what I have written has put things into perspective for them. Therefore, I decided it was about time I discussed my experience in detail - I have seen other people do the same and it has really helped me, so I hope to do the same for anyone in a similar position. So, to begin with, Body Dysmorphic Disorder is a mental disorder where one becomes obsessed with the idea that an aspect of their body/ appearance is flawed, and as a result, they will go to extreme measures to fix or conceal it. I am aware that it is common for people to pick out flaws in their appearance, however, BDD takes it to a different level. The only way I can describe it is this - I would look in the mirror, size 8 clothing, 5ft 3, weighing a 8 stone and half, but see someone who was unhealthily obese. I was 13 years old when I became obsessed with my stomach. And it was all based on comparison - I wanted to have a toned, flat stomach. However, back then, it was regarded as normal; many teenage girls have their insecurities, and at this point I had a healthy relationship with food, so it was not an issue. I remember I would get excited at the thought of eating out, not hesitating to join my family with three courses; when I felt hungry, I ate, and I ate what I fancied. People often applauded me on my big appetite for food. By 15 years old, the phases started kicking in. One week I would wake up everyday feeling completely unhappy with my body, and would start 'eating healthily' with salads for lunch, I would skip breakfast sometimes and I started downloading those 30-day-ab challenges at an attempt of keeping fit. Then the next week came, I would feel more confident, and return to eating whatever the hell I wanted. Not the healthiest mindset to be in, but following up fad diets (such as low carbs and cutting out sugar or meat for a month) and then giving up on them was merely something comical. At 16, I joined a gym (nothing wrong with that) at an attempt to get fit, while still trying to diet and cut down on my food intake. But again, I rarely stuck to it - some weeks, I would eat healthily and go to the gym four times a week, whereas other weeks I would focus less on eating healthily and gym once. Now fast-forward to August 19th 2017 - the weekend I went to V fest. That whole weekend, although I brought a whole load of food to last me, I ate as little as three cereal bars and one packet of chips. I was so distracted with alcohol and rushing to see performances that eating rarely crossed my mind, and I remember coming home after that weekend feeling my thinnest. And the day I came home, I was so tired that I ate minimal and slept 15 hours. I remember posting a mirror selfie on Snapchat the morning after and receiving comments about how good my body looked. I felt so confident, and that's when I developed the mindset that if I restricted myself, I would feel 'happy'. Since then, I had put my body through calorie deficit, not realising what harm I was putting my body through. Breakfast, more often than not, was skipped, followed by a lunch of two pieces of fruit or a low calorie salad and then my evening meal. I went to the gym four times a week, bearing in mind that I would also walk down, and do an extra 30 minutes cardio. I began counting calories, weighing out my food to the exact gram so I had an accurate view on how many calories I was putting in my mouth - I based my calorie intake on the 5:2 diet, where people would only consume 500 calories on 2 days during the week, and I told myself that 500 calories was the least amount someone could consume a day, so I told myself if I ate around that, I was on track. Some days I couldn't quite resist the temptation to eat extra, and whenever I ate extra than I had previously allowed myself, I would go into a frenzy of panicking and crying, and then would not eat for the rest of the day. I remember how proud I felt of myself when I went through a whole day on just bowl of porridge oats and water, and was finally able to "resist temptation". I became obsessed with my appearance. I spent a majority of my day looking in the mirror and catching my reflection in windows, sucking in and criticising myself. I compared my body to every female that I saw in the flesh and on social media, fixating on their stomach because that was the aspect of my body I was most insecure about. I wore a lot of baggy clothes and sweatshirts because I told myself I was obese and felt ashamed among other girls. Food was on my mind constantly and not in a endearing, comical way. But I had developed some sickly fascination with it - I would watch hours on end of Come Dine with Me and Dinner Date and became mesmerised watching them cooking the food and it distracted me from wanting to eat because watching it was satisfying enough. March 2018 and I finally began to realise something wasn't quite right. I had lost around two stone, my clothes would hang off of me, my bra size had dropped two sizes, my bones stuck out, I hadn't had a period for six months, and my hair was in awful condition and I was losing more than usual. I had little motivation and energy, and I generally felt weak in myself and often found myself out of breath. I now had an unhealthy relationship with food. Going out for food became scary, and I would plan weeks before what I would have and would eat minimal amount that whole day to compensate for it. I have embedded in my mind the calorie content of every food that my diet consisted of. My diet had very little carbohydrate and fat. I stopped drinking alcohol after I found out the calorie content, and also out of fear that when I was intoxicated, I wouldn't be able to control myself and I would eat. My mood changed drastically - I became extremely frustrated and anxious whenever my parents brought unhealthy food into the house; I would spend hours over-thinking and planning what I was going to eat the next day and following day; I developed this idea that everyone who fed me was trying to make me 'fat' and I had very little trust. I had lost weight. But I had never felt more unhappy. I still looked in the mirror and saw myself as overweight. I felt I had lost a complete sense of familiarity with myself. I remember being in a changing room in Primark, and coming out of my dressing room to show my mum some trousers I was trying on; they hung really low on me and were a little baggy on me, and a girl around my age shouted to her friend over on the other side of the changing room "Ewww, she's so skinny!" - I remember feeling so ashamed and low. I had finally discovered that it wasn't my body that needed changing, it was my mindset, my priorities. I knew I had to gain weight, but I was terrified that from doing so, I would return to being 'obese' like I once believed myself to be. I had completely lost the concept of what was the right amount to eat, and how to eat properly. I didn't feel comfortable with receiving external help from a stranger, and I consider myself lucky to have a close connection who could provide me with the professional help I needed. I met with them regularly, and through doing so, I managed to gain my sense of familiarity back. We managed to come to an agreement regarding a routine and plan to get me back on track. I didn't want my recovery to mean I had to exercise less and basically put on as much weight as possible just so I can be in a healthy state again. I still wanted to go to the gym regularly as it benefited my mindset greatly and I wanted to put on weight, but be toned and gain muscle. The agreement we came to - count my walk to and from the gym as my cardio and do no extra, eat in five sittings a day at least (breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner) with each main meal consisting of a protein, carbohydrate and fruit/ vegetable and at dinner time, just to eat what everyone else was eating and not limit myself at some "health" attempt. My weight and health was beginning to improve, but at a slow pace, because I was still eating too cleanly, and it took me a while to feel comfortable with indulging myself every now and then. I didn't feel comfortable with entering a day without having a full plan on what I was going to eat and at what time - only now am I beginning to become a little more spontaneous with my eating habits. Planning my food was constructive in a sense as it meant I could ensure I was eating enough throughout the day and it also meant others around me could monitor it. But it didn't help with my frustration when I wasn't sure what was being cooked for my evening meal and I would hide certain foods just to make sure no one else ate them, so I wouldn't be left with having to improvise. I still don't like not having a routine with my eating, so days and evenings where I had to work and eat around irregular shift patterns brought on frustration for me. After a couple months of abiding to this routine, I feel more like myself. I still am slightly underweight, but I have come so far and improved so much. I eat the recommended amount of calories a female my age should eat, and I soon hope to get to the stage when I can feel comfortable with eating a little extra so I can gain muscle and more curve to my body and because I work out regularly, my body needs it. I am less cautious over eating carbohydrates (I eat a lot of brown bread, brown and basmati rice, white and sweet potatoes) - ignore those fad diets that tell you to cut them out, because in moderation, they are so beneficial in giving you the energy you need. I still exercise four times a week, doing very little cardio and trying to build up my strength with weights. I research less into calorie counting and restriction, and research more into healthy living and nutrition, trying new recipes and meal plans to make my diet more varied and interesting. My mood has improved by masses, and on those days when I do feel sluggish and less confident with my body again, I try not to let it interfere, because I know on those other days when I feel great in my own skin and know that I'm eating properly and giving my body what it needs at the same time, I'll feel like I can conquer anything. I keep repeating I remember I remember I remember because I keep my past experiences close to me. I've never been one to dismiss my past because the future is more important, because even though these memories I look back on are surrounding my former unhappy self and unhealthy habits, they remind me of how far I have come and stop me from wanting to go back. I feel myself becoming extremely wary of those around me when they talk about wanting to lose weight and cut down on certain food groups such as carbohydrates and fats so they can find confidence in their body; I am wary because I remember that's how I was, and I know where it left me. There's losing excess fat and toning up, changing your lifestyle for the better and getting fitter... then there's restricting yourself, making yourself miserable by denying your body of what it craves and needs, and then there's driving yourself to obsession to the point where nothing else is on your mind but your appearance. If I had the chance to go back, I would have given myself the opportunity to find out more information and possibly seek advice, so I could have found away to achieve my fitness goals in a much healthier and beneficial fashion. I would NEVER have compared my diet and lifestyle to these celebrities who promote these juice detoxes and fad diets - such things can lead you to more harm than good, such as dehydration, negative impacts on your digestive system and unhealthy relationships with food. I wish I had accepted the fact my mentality was poor, and not let my obsession over my appearance blind me, because it was dangerous for me to attempt to change my lifestyle in the mindset I was in. All I can say is have hope, and live your life, put things into perspective and don't abuse your healthy body and mind just to adhere to what you think is the ideal way to be. If you ever feel yourself slipping, don't be ashamed to seek extra help and guidance. There would have been very little chance that I would be where I am now if I didn't receive such help and support. It's difficult to put into perspective, but there is so much more to life than your appearance. As humans, we are capable of so much - we are capable of ambition, seeing them through and making a change, and it's important we live our lives doing exactly that. But nothing is more important than our health. And with true health comes happiness. On a side note, if you're going to seek health and fitness advice online, follow @thefoodmedic on Instagram and her blog. She regularly shares easy work-outs, and facts surrounding proper nutrition and the impacts such fad diets can have. She is a qualified medical doctor and personal trainer, and her account taught me that eating substantially and more frequently will have a much healthier impact on your lifestyle. And she shares amazing recipes which I have tried, making me feel more confident with expanding my diet again, and she doesn't hesitate to indulge herself whenever she likes (and remains in great shape!). Be careful with some fitness accounts, as a majority promote false propaganda surrounding how you should eat and approach fitness. I remember my mum saying to me that my body is like a car, and food is like fuel; you wouldn't start a journey without giving your car the fuel it needs to see it through, so why would I go through my day without giving my body the food it needs to function?
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Jem DuttonStudent Blogger. Archives
April 2018
CategoriesAll Current Affairs Lifestyle Narrative Journalism Opinion Articles Personal |