4/23/2018 0 Comments Comparison is the thief of joy...The current weather may not be a great endorsement for it, but Summer is approaching. And it's that time of year where girls (and boys too) are desperate to get their "Summer body" in gear. I've been there - after a heavy and hungry Christmas, your New Years Resolution was to lose weight and get fit, and after 5 months of "trialing", you feel like you've made little achievement (but Summer officially begins next month, and now you feel there's a rush). This is a slippery slope in some cases, and can lead to unhealthy habits - becoming fitter and achieving your goals isn't a sprint for you to just collapse at the end, but it should be treated like a marathon (a journey that is long term and gradually improved, allowing your body to adapt at the speed it needs to and leaving you with the most accomplishing outcome).
.From briefly addressing it in former posts , I have received messages from a number of girls who have said they often have similar feelings and what I have written has put things into perspective for them. Therefore, I decided it was about time I discussed my experience in detail - I have seen other people do the same and it has really helped me, so I hope to do the same for anyone in a similar position. So, to begin with, Body Dysmorphic Disorder is a mental disorder where one becomes obsessed with the idea that an aspect of their body/ appearance is flawed, and as a result, they will go to extreme measures to fix or conceal it. I am aware that it is common for people to pick out flaws in their appearance, however, BDD takes it to a different level. The only way I can describe it is this - I would look in the mirror, size 8 clothing, 5ft 3, weighing a 8 stone and half, but see someone who was unhealthily obese. I was 13 years old when I became obsessed with my stomach. And it was all based on comparison - I wanted to have a toned, flat stomach. However, back then, it was regarded as normal; many teenage girls have their insecurities, and at this point I had a healthy relationship with food, so it was not an issue. I remember I would get excited at the thought of eating out, not hesitating to join my family with three courses; when I felt hungry, I ate, and I ate what I fancied. People often applauded me on my big appetite for food. By 15 years old, the phases started kicking in. One week I would wake up everyday feeling completely unhappy with my body, and would start 'eating healthily' with salads for lunch, I would skip breakfast sometimes and I started downloading those 30-day-ab challenges at an attempt of keeping fit. Then the next week came, I would feel more confident, and return to eating whatever the hell I wanted. Not the healthiest mindset to be in, but following up fad diets (such as low carbs and cutting out sugar or meat for a month) and then giving up on them was merely something comical. At 16, I joined a gym (nothing wrong with that) at an attempt to get fit, while still trying to diet and cut down on my food intake. But again, I rarely stuck to it - some weeks, I would eat healthily and go to the gym four times a week, whereas other weeks I would focus less on eating healthily and gym once. Now fast-forward to August 19th 2017 - the weekend I went to V fest. That whole weekend, although I brought a whole load of food to last me, I ate as little as three cereal bars and one packet of chips. I was so distracted with alcohol and rushing to see performances that eating rarely crossed my mind, and I remember coming home after that weekend feeling my thinnest. And the day I came home, I was so tired that I ate minimal and slept 15 hours. I remember posting a mirror selfie on Snapchat the morning after and receiving comments about how good my body looked. I felt so confident, and that's when I developed the mindset that if I restricted myself, I would feel 'happy'. Since then, I had put my body through calorie deficit, not realising what harm I was putting my body through. Breakfast, more often than not, was skipped, followed by a lunch of two pieces of fruit or a low calorie salad and then my evening meal. I went to the gym four times a week, bearing in mind that I would also walk down, and do an extra 30 minutes cardio. I began counting calories, weighing out my food to the exact gram so I had an accurate view on how many calories I was putting in my mouth - I based my calorie intake on the 5:2 diet, where people would only consume 500 calories on 2 days during the week, and I told myself that 500 calories was the least amount someone could consume a day, so I told myself if I ate around that, I was on track. Some days I couldn't quite resist the temptation to eat extra, and whenever I ate extra than I had previously allowed myself, I would go into a frenzy of panicking and crying, and then would not eat for the rest of the day. I remember how proud I felt of myself when I went through a whole day on just bowl of porridge oats and water, and was finally able to "resist temptation". I became obsessed with my appearance. I spent a majority of my day looking in the mirror and catching my reflection in windows, sucking in and criticising myself. I compared my body to every female that I saw in the flesh and on social media, fixating on their stomach because that was the aspect of my body I was most insecure about. I wore a lot of baggy clothes and sweatshirts because I told myself I was obese and felt ashamed among other girls. Food was on my mind constantly and not in a endearing, comical way. But I had developed some sickly fascination with it - I would watch hours on end of Come Dine with Me and Dinner Date and became mesmerised watching them cooking the food and it distracted me from wanting to eat because watching it was satisfying enough. March 2018 and I finally began to realise something wasn't quite right. I had lost around two stone, my clothes would hang off of me, my bra size had dropped two sizes, my bones stuck out, I hadn't had a period for six months, and my hair was in awful condition and I was losing more than usual. I had little motivation and energy, and I generally felt weak in myself and often found myself out of breath. I now had an unhealthy relationship with food. Going out for food became scary, and I would plan weeks before what I would have and would eat minimal amount that whole day to compensate for it. I have embedded in my mind the calorie content of every food that my diet consisted of. My diet had very little carbohydrate and fat. I stopped drinking alcohol after I found out the calorie content, and also out of fear that when I was intoxicated, I wouldn't be able to control myself and I would eat. My mood changed drastically - I became extremely frustrated and anxious whenever my parents brought unhealthy food into the house; I would spend hours over-thinking and planning what I was going to eat the next day and following day; I developed this idea that everyone who fed me was trying to make me 'fat' and I had very little trust. I had lost weight. But I had never felt more unhappy. I still looked in the mirror and saw myself as overweight. I felt I had lost a complete sense of familiarity with myself. I remember being in a changing room in Primark, and coming out of my dressing room to show my mum some trousers I was trying on; they hung really low on me and were a little baggy on me, and a girl around my age shouted to her friend over on the other side of the changing room "Ewww, she's so skinny!" - I remember feeling so ashamed and low. I had finally discovered that it wasn't my body that needed changing, it was my mindset, my priorities. I knew I had to gain weight, but I was terrified that from doing so, I would return to being 'obese' like I once believed myself to be. I had completely lost the concept of what was the right amount to eat, and how to eat properly. I didn't feel comfortable with receiving external help from a stranger, and I consider myself lucky to have a close connection who could provide me with the professional help I needed. I met with them regularly, and through doing so, I managed to gain my sense of familiarity back. We managed to come to an agreement regarding a routine and plan to get me back on track. I didn't want my recovery to mean I had to exercise less and basically put on as much weight as possible just so I can be in a healthy state again. I still wanted to go to the gym regularly as it benefited my mindset greatly and I wanted to put on weight, but be toned and gain muscle. The agreement we came to - count my walk to and from the gym as my cardio and do no extra, eat in five sittings a day at least (breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner) with each main meal consisting of a protein, carbohydrate and fruit/ vegetable and at dinner time, just to eat what everyone else was eating and not limit myself at some "health" attempt. My weight and health was beginning to improve, but at a slow pace, because I was still eating too cleanly, and it took me a while to feel comfortable with indulging myself every now and then. I didn't feel comfortable with entering a day without having a full plan on what I was going to eat and at what time - only now am I beginning to become a little more spontaneous with my eating habits. Planning my food was constructive in a sense as it meant I could ensure I was eating enough throughout the day and it also meant others around me could monitor it. But it didn't help with my frustration when I wasn't sure what was being cooked for my evening meal and I would hide certain foods just to make sure no one else ate them, so I wouldn't be left with having to improvise. I still don't like not having a routine with my eating, so days and evenings where I had to work and eat around irregular shift patterns brought on frustration for me. After a couple months of abiding to this routine, I feel more like myself. I still am slightly underweight, but I have come so far and improved so much. I eat the recommended amount of calories a female my age should eat, and I soon hope to get to the stage when I can feel comfortable with eating a little extra so I can gain muscle and more curve to my body and because I work out regularly, my body needs it. I am less cautious over eating carbohydrates (I eat a lot of brown bread, brown and basmati rice, white and sweet potatoes) - ignore those fad diets that tell you to cut them out, because in moderation, they are so beneficial in giving you the energy you need. I still exercise four times a week, doing very little cardio and trying to build up my strength with weights. I research less into calorie counting and restriction, and research more into healthy living and nutrition, trying new recipes and meal plans to make my diet more varied and interesting. My mood has improved by masses, and on those days when I do feel sluggish and less confident with my body again, I try not to let it interfere, because I know on those other days when I feel great in my own skin and know that I'm eating properly and giving my body what it needs at the same time, I'll feel like I can conquer anything. I keep repeating I remember I remember I remember because I keep my past experiences close to me. I've never been one to dismiss my past because the future is more important, because even though these memories I look back on are surrounding my former unhappy self and unhealthy habits, they remind me of how far I have come and stop me from wanting to go back. I feel myself becoming extremely wary of those around me when they talk about wanting to lose weight and cut down on certain food groups such as carbohydrates and fats so they can find confidence in their body; I am wary because I remember that's how I was, and I know where it left me. There's losing excess fat and toning up, changing your lifestyle for the better and getting fitter... then there's restricting yourself, making yourself miserable by denying your body of what it craves and needs, and then there's driving yourself to obsession to the point where nothing else is on your mind but your appearance. If I had the chance to go back, I would have given myself the opportunity to find out more information and possibly seek advice, so I could have found away to achieve my fitness goals in a much healthier and beneficial fashion. I would NEVER have compared my diet and lifestyle to these celebrities who promote these juice detoxes and fad diets - such things can lead you to more harm than good, such as dehydration, negative impacts on your digestive system and unhealthy relationships with food. I wish I had accepted the fact my mentality was poor, and not let my obsession over my appearance blind me, because it was dangerous for me to attempt to change my lifestyle in the mindset I was in. All I can say is have hope, and live your life, put things into perspective and don't abuse your healthy body and mind just to adhere to what you think is the ideal way to be. If you ever feel yourself slipping, don't be ashamed to seek extra help and guidance. There would have been very little chance that I would be where I am now if I didn't receive such help and support. It's difficult to put into perspective, but there is so much more to life than your appearance. As humans, we are capable of so much - we are capable of ambition, seeing them through and making a change, and it's important we live our lives doing exactly that. But nothing is more important than our health. And with true health comes happiness. On a side note, if you're going to seek health and fitness advice online, follow @thefoodmedic on Instagram and her blog. She regularly shares easy work-outs, and facts surrounding proper nutrition and the impacts such fad diets can have. She is a qualified medical doctor and personal trainer, and her account taught me that eating substantially and more frequently will have a much healthier impact on your lifestyle. And she shares amazing recipes which I have tried, making me feel more confident with expanding my diet again, and she doesn't hesitate to indulge herself whenever she likes (and remains in great shape!). Be careful with some fitness accounts, as a majority promote false propaganda surrounding how you should eat and approach fitness. I remember my mum saying to me that my body is like a car, and food is like fuel; you wouldn't start a journey without giving your car the fuel it needs to see it through, so why would I go through my day without giving my body the food it needs to function?
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4/13/2018 0 Comments Our happy, little distractions..."STARVE your distractions. FEED your focus."
But sometimes, we need to feed our distractions to get into the habit of focusing on the right things, right? It is recommended to those in recovery (whether from an unhealthy physical or mental state) that they find ways to distract themselves, so whenever they do something they used to restrict themselves from doing or haven't done in a while for certain personal reasons, they don't fall into the unhealthy habit of worrying and feeling guilty for stepping out of that comfort zone. Regardless, it's safe to say that everyone has, or will have, those odd reoccurring intrusive thoughts or phases of emotional struggle that we want to stop thinking about as much as possible. That ideal scenario - "Ooh that's an odd thought. I'll stop thinking about that now..." and the thought blissfully disappears into oblivion and never returns - very rarely, if at all, happens. You should never dwell on a thought, nor should you try and ignore it through some limp way - I used to just go and get into bed and try to sleep it off, resulting in a predictable night of tossing and turning and getting absolutely nowhere. So, in this occasion, it's effective to find a way of distracting yourself, but not through ineffective ways of carrying on with your daily routine of making your lunch and sitting in front of the television for an hour or two. You have got to find your own meaningful, yet accessible, methods that can just gradually drain those thoughts away. But, firstly,... ALWAYS ACKNOWLEDGE THE THOUGHT. Ignoring those unpleasant and unhealthy thoughts is just as ineffective as dwelling on them for hours. Allow yourself at around five minutes a day (if the thought comes to you daily) to think about it: address why and how you came to think of such a thing. Ask yourself the following things: what contributed to this thought coming into my head? Why am I thinking such a thing? And then conflict your thoughts: what is the importance behind what I'm thinking? Will there be any good coming out of me thinking such things? And then... DIMINISH THE THOUGHT. DISTRACT YOURSELF. There are many ways one could find to distract themselves - some will work more for effectively for certain people than others. Try as many different ways as you can, and alternate between them to stop you from falling into a cycle of repeating the same old routine and thinking about as to why you're doing that certain activity (it is important to normalize it as much as possible - don't make it too apparent to yourself that you are purposely trying to distract yourself.) 1. Watch an intelligent film/ read an intelligent book. By intelligent, I don't necessarily mean reading a dictionary or a study devised by some famous academic (but if that's what you're into, go ahead), but I do mean a particular genre of film/book that engages your brain and intellect. For myself, it would be crime dramas - I used to watch a lot of television detective series such as Whitechapel or Broadchurch; now, I have started watching the Robert Langdon films, so The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons, which require a lot of focus and a detachment from your mobile phone throughout in order to follow the plot consistently. I also intend to read the Dan Brown books the films are based on once I am relieved of A Level distraction. So, whether it is through hard-hitting films or something like television documentaries (ironically, I find the more morbid, the better), you are focusing on something which needs far more attention that insignificant little thought. 2. Surround yourself with cheery, friendly faces. Having company is an effective distraction. So, I like to try and see my friends as much as possible and not always within the dreary school environment. And because I'm the only minor 17 year old in the group, at weekends it can be quite difficult make plans. But, when I am around my friends, I am around a bunch of people who are very unlikely to be having those same particular thoughts as me. And like that, I am around a bunch of fresh new thoughts and conversation and laughs that aid as the perfect distraction from what was bothering me before. Same goes with seeing a family member you haven't seen for a while, or meeting new people by joining a club or venturing somewhere new. 3. Do what you have to do. Getting those necessary things done - practically distracting yourself as well as ticking off your to-do-list. At the moment, my life is pretty much revise revise revise! and luckily for me, there's always going to be some form of revision to do, so I will always have that back-up plan for when I'm bored and need to place my focus elsewhere. By familiarising yourself with the urgency of your deadlines, or chore to get the washing done, or need to take the dog for a walk, you are setting yourself into your normal daily routine and distracting yourself should come naturally. 4. Tidy and clean. From the mouth of probably one of the untidiest and unorganised human beings that has ever walked this planet, I can safely say tidying and "sorting your shit out" really does do the trick when trying to fend off those stubborn thoughts. When I'm feeling a bit anxious or stressed or even frustrated, I will go and tidy my room (which will be a guaranteed mess and floor-drobe) or reorgansie my wardrobe. Or after I've eaten, I will wash up and tidy the kitchen so I am refraining from thinking too much about the amount or what I have eaten. Subsequently, leaving yourself in a tidy and clean environment has been proven to have tremendous effects on your psychological health; the more accessible and less cluttered a room is, the less stressed and frustrated you are likely to feel. Tidy and clean to keep your mind keen. 5. Greet your past. There is many sayings that you shouldn't let your past "steal your present" or that you can't "start the next chapter if you keep rereading the last one" and these are true - there is little point in dwelling on bad aspects of your past. But, the past also holds amazing memories that you are living your life to make, and the purpose behind these happy memories are revisiting them and reminiscing the thoughts and feelings you had at that time. I revisit my past by looking through old photo albums with my family and laughing at how ridiculously my mum dressed me or how demonic my eyes looked thanks to disposable cameras. This year, I have decided to make a scrapbook of 2018 so I have that drive throughout this year to make as many positive memories as I can, after a particularly rubbish 2017. Even some of your bad memories can be made into something to laugh about - for example, I stuck my fail certificate for a driving test in my scrapbook, and wrote funny captions and annotations around it, so when I look back on it in the future, I can see it as something to laugh and joke about. 6. Look to your future. No one really knows what the future holds, but give yourself a faint plan to motivate yourself and work for it. When I think about my future, I like to think about university and how excited I am to experience true independence and live somewhere different hours and hours away. I also like to think of my career, because not even I know what it may bring of me, but I hope it will be something I love and most likely writing will be involved. I have started making a bucket list as well, adding in daring things such as visiting every capital city in Europe, and even farcical things like walking down a red carpet, so the suture then becomes something exciting and wondrous, not feared. 7. Distract yourself with more distractions... Don't be afraid to step outside of your comfort zone and build a love in a new set of hobbies and interests - find what is suited for you. Limiting yourself to the same old things will undoubtedly become boring after a while and then so, ineffective in providing you with that happy and distracting medium. Do something different every once in a while and add it to your list - make your list longer and longer and slowly see that thought disappear into that oblivion that was once impossible... Jem xx Ever since I turned 13 years old and started high school, I am almost 100% sure I have not left the the house without wearing some form of makeup - however, looking back at old photos of me in Year 9 and re-evaluating how I wore my makeup is a bit like pulling teeth. When it comes to wearing makeup, I'm no ad for au naturale but I am also advocate for heavy usage - every now and then I will wear foundation and eye shadow and lipstick, most days I will wear mascara, but I always wear concealer and I always fill my eyebrows in. I begrudge spending much money on it myself and the only big branded stuff I own was bought for me at Christmas and birthdays. I wear makeup to look older (that wipe I use at night does more than taking my makeup off, but seems to take five years off my face a long with it), conceal the dark circles under my eyes and the odd breakout I have every now and then. Although slightly nervous, I am intrigued as to what this week will be like, and what the final outcome should be - how I will view myself and makeup from then on? So, Monday's Brunch Out I met a couple friends for a cheap and cheerful breakfast at Wetherspoons before the dreaded return to Sixth Form the following morning. Anyone who lives in the town I live in would know that whenever you go out, it's unavoidable to not see a swarm of familiar faces - especially in the local 'spoons. I was terrified to go out bare face, and before I did, when I looked in the mirror, I saw a gaunt pale face and massive dark circles under my eyes. But I went, and no one even questioned the fact I had no make up on (not like I necessarily expected to be judged by my friends, but it felt good not having to justify it). Walking through Stowmarket, I saw many familiar faces as expected, and I did my best not to make eye contact (which I probably would have done regardless...), and it definitely was not the biggest confidence boost when I was ID'd at the bar by the barman who thought I was under 16. But to my surprise,despite it being the first time I had left the house without makeup in about five years, my enjoyment of seeing my friends was not effected by it at all, and quite frankly, by ten minutes in, I had completely forgotten... Then it was Tuesday's Return to Sixth Form, which I was dreading enough as it is due to the exam reality kicking back in and having to face a load of unfriendly faces - but now I had to face these faces without my face on. No outfit nor hairstyle looked right, and I had to resist the temptation to pile my hair up on top of my head and shove on a hoodie just to further enhance how rough I felt I was looking... but that really wasn't the aim of this week. I wanted to normalise the matter as much as possible, and I did so by dressing like I normally would and answering those couple times I was asked about my bare face with "I just couldn't be bothered". As soon as I walked in, I was greeted by a classmate with "you're looking very tired". I felt very insecure and judged while surrounded by a majority of people who had obviously put effort into their appearance for the first day back, and I avoided looking at my reflection in the mirror of the toilets because I knew I would only be critical. But the day flied by, and it was soon over - the sun was shining for the first time in months and I received positive results back from coursework and practice essays. So in perspective, it turned out to be a good day regardless and it was only my personal insecurity and attention to my face that acted as an obstacle to that - but I knew tomorrow was bound to be easier. When it came to Wednesday's Gym Session, I rolled straight out of bed and was down the gym by 6am. I know what you're thinking - why on earth would I wear make up to the gym anyway? It is stupid, I agree, but I would feel incongruous enough among all the toned, muscly bodies with my bony, weak build, so a little bit of concealer and filling in my eyebrows made me look less like I needed parental guidance. You'd be surprised that at 6am, it is relatively busy, but no-one seemed to bat an eyelid at my non-existent brows and dark panda eyes because they were too consumed in their workout. As was I. So like the other days, as time went on, being bare became less of a problem. At Friday's Family Barbecue, not wearing makeup became a little concern of mine - my family have seen me grow from a young age so obviously my bare face would not be much of a shock. But my extended family, who I rarely see, did acknowledge my lack in make up - I didn't realise how much make up had become such an assumed part of my identity! Working on Saturday night was made even more difficult from the fact I managed to gain sunburn on my nose and cheeks like a true Englishman when we get a bit of sun - no time for sun cream, we are in desperate need of colour. A colleague of mine immediately commented on how "fresh-faced" I looked, calling me a "natural beauty" which elevated my spirits a huge amount. It made me realise how differently one sees themselves in comparison to how others see us, and because a majority of us spend so much time criticising the way we are, we assume that others are picking out the same flaws. But no one truly knows what the other is thinking. Saturday night always brings great business to the restaurant I work at - it was extremely busy. But. Busy with strangers. People who I didn't know, and who didn't know me, so not wearing make up made little effect, and wasn't as daunting as I made it out to be. So, Sunday I posted a photo on Instagram. I was over the moon with the comments I received from all the lovely ladies out there! To be told that I was a "natural beauty" and to be complimented on my bare face felt so liberating, and I truly felt beautiful for the first time without an ounce of make up on my skin. More than anything, I hope that through speaking out on social media, I have opened the minds of many other women out there, encouraging them to take a week, like I have done, to find beauty and confidence in their natural skin. It's over! What were the best bits? Being able to jump straight into bed late at night and not having to spend ages scrubbing every last bit of make up off. Getting sun to my skin - by the end of those few sunny days England experienced, my face felt brighter and cleaner, and I managed to get some colour on my face so paleness became less of a problem. Getting an extra half an hours sleep in the mornings, and being able to sit down and enjoy my breakfast in the sun and then not having to rush around to be ready in time. The worst parts? It's safe to say that wearing makeup reflects a lot on one's confidence; for me, the hardest part about not wearing makeup wasn't the actual not wearing it aspect, but it was about how my opinion on myself and my appearance changed. The worst of it all was easily outweighed by all the benefits and I genuinely felt a lot more confident in my own skin by the week had finished. How will it affect my attitude to make up in the future? Wearing make up to school won't be a necessity anymore - if I have time in the mornings, I will put little on, but I will keep my skin clear because getting fresh air to it has really done some good. Wearing make up to the gym? NEVER AGAIN. I think I'll save the heavy make up to nights out and special occasions, and with all this cutting down on my usage, I'll also hopefully save a ton of money! |
Jem DuttonStudent Blogger. Archives
April 2018
CategoriesAll Current Affairs Lifestyle Narrative Journalism Opinion Articles Personal |